I'm Afraid of What I Will Become

Have you thought about your Thank You letter yet? What you’re going to write down as plans and visions for yourself? I have, and to be honest it’s a little scary. Scary in that I ask myself am I thinking to big? Am I thinking to small? Am I really capable? This is where God wants us. Putting our faith, hope and trust in Him.

I remember preaching my first message at the age of 18 to our home church in Riverside, California.  I had one year of Oral Roberts University under my belt and was so honored to speak that night. The message was about “Having a Heart like David”. What I will always carry with me is the many lives at that alter that made new and renewed relationships with Jesus Christ.

Over 20 years later, I’m still speaking about this incredible God that I serve and love.  The last three, I have been doing this consistently and along the way have had more unimaginable engagements and friendships on this journey.  But can I get honest with you for a moment?

I’m afraid of what I will become.

Do I believe that I can speak to large crowds? Yes. But when I think about it, it’s as though I feel pride and shame. See, it’s not the fear of speaking to them; it’s the fear of what I would become. I have seen so many Pastors and Evangelists time after time, pulpit after pulpit, message after message, speak truth and impart hope into others yet to only become prideful and gloat in their own “glory”.

I don’t want that. Because it’s not about me, it’s about Him.

It’s about the lost, the broken, the hurting.

It’s about the lives that need and want to be changed.

It’s teaching men and women to become what they were meant for yet trusting Him in the process.

I want to guide women into the direction of their calling and gifting. But, how can I do that when I struggle with my own uncertainty?

I don’t want to take any more steps that I know that God is not directing. I don’t want to take any more steps that are only going to pull me further away to what God has called me to do.

That is where faith comes in.

Steve Furtick in his book Sun Stand Still said it this way, “You can hope, but it’s in the faith that things happen.”

Two verses I want to leave with you today:

Hebrews 11:1 (NIV) - "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Hebrews 11:6 (NIV) - "And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him."

Do you struggle with uncertainty?